I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
