I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
