Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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