and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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