i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
