Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
