youre lurking in front of me
Swine flu. Run for my life!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
