You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
