i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
