you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Pants are for mortals
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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