normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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