If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
