I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
