Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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