i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
