I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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