Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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