Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We have started to decorate penises.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
