You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
