saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
