So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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