Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
