Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
