My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
