my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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