Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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