So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i drank out of a bidet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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