I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize