she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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