her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
