Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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