If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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