I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
