Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
