I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
