I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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