This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
FUCK WHALES
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