What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
two words...techno handjob
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
