peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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