yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
