My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
