I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
