Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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