GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
