Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
