Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
