I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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