I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
