just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
