I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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