Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
did you just send me my own nude
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
