Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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