when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
