they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
