conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
